the wrong size shoes

my art displayed in an art gallery in downtown Dallas, TX.

One time a teacher told me there were no shoes to fill. But they existed nonetheless, even if she didn’t realize her implications. I started developing doubts of my performance as a musician; if I could ever run with the wrong size shoes set out for me.

what is imposter syndrome?

Then I started feeling it in my business. However there’s no shoes to fill here, yet I feel like my performance in both art and music is nonexistent, yet I’ve had great success in both fields. When I told my therapist about it, she told me about imposter syndrome.

The definition of imposter syndrome is ‘behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals.” When she read off the description to me, I immediately denied I feel that way because I wasn’t a “high-achieving individual.” Red flag number one, huh?

moving on

I still didn’t feel “successful” after hearing the definition. Every time I got a commission, order, medal, etc, I never felt proud internally. I still don’t, really.

But I started doing college applications, where they ask every detail about you from your favorite color to what you want to do when you’re thirty-five. It’s been hectic. They made me write down every success or award I’ve received, and it sent me spiraling when I realized I had more than enough to fill up two pages, and still missed some when my parents reviewed it. In that moment I felt like I stole people’s titles to write down on my own resume, feeling guilt and disbelief that I really had successes that filled up more than a sheet of paper.

So I went back to therapy, and asked “how do I stop this?” because it was no longer fun, and rather annoying if I say so myself. I wanted to celebrate my successes with the people around me without feeling guilty or selfish or that I didn’t deserve it, because damnit I wanted to celebrate my work! I went out of my session with tips and tricks, but not really understanding how to incorporate them. It went on like this for weeks; knowing how to fix it, but not understanding how to implement it.

talking outside

I didn’t want to tell my friends about my business either. I wrote about this previously, but I’m a wreck when it comes to posting on social medias in front of my friends. I feel like I was promoting something that was bigger than it looked, and that everyone who supported me was supporting my unrealistic dream. There were standards I was trying to meet to show others around me, with no good reason.

Yet I wanted people to ask about my business. I wanted to talk with people about how sales are going, any new updates, etc. It was a weird feeling, not wanting anyone to bring it up, yet wanting to talk about it 24/7. I wanted my friends to understand how my business worked. Each time I couldn’t go to the movies or shop with friends because of HH, I always got a text saying it was my business, how could I be busy? Those texts made me angry each time, which always felt like a 180. They didn’t understand my business, and I really didn’t want them to, yet I wanted them to understand the work put into it? How does that make sense? So I’ve always just let it go without mentioning it to anyone, or if anyone asked answer as vaguely as possible.

changing the view

Until one day I said a comment to my teacher after a success, and he said to “realize that you made it with your own two brains and head.” And for what ever reason that clicked. Everything that’s been awarded a ribbon, been sold, been created, has been from my own two hands and head, because I am what designs, I am what thinks, and I am what creates.

But it hasn’t been that easy changing my view of myself in one sitting. Each time I get an email with good news, I get a moment of excitement with immediate dread. Why me? Why did you have to choose me? Pity? Yet recently I’ve had to tell myself each time that I made this and I did this. And boy is that hard to remind myself each day.

To remind myself, I started putting post-it notes around my studio and even one in my restroom to remind myself everyday that I am successful, I am myself, and that’s amazing.

If you haven’t already, I really recommend reading Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. I know it doesn’t pertain to everyone, but it has been a backbone in this business, and motivation to keep going.

Thank you so much for reading Beyond Hues! If you enjoyed, feel free to check out my other blogs/newletters. From other serious topics to behind the scenes, Beyond Hues will soon have a plethera of stories.